Para Geek Peeve #10: You should probably be wary of any paranormal group that tells you to be wary of other paranormal groups which do not meet certain standards of professionalism (which, of course, they meet – since they set the standards, right?). These naysayers often use comparisons to actual people who do actual jobs for an actual living in order to make their point. They may also have a “to-do” list to base your decision around picking total strangers to tell you whether the noises you’re hearing are coming from a ghost or a just a loose pipe.
Then again, you could at least rule out a ghost if you just hired an actual person who does an actual job for an actual living in the first place. But explaining how a guy in overalls fixed a loose pipe isn’t as mysterious as explaining how a ghost is rattling things in your wall whenever you flush the toilet.
Para Geek Peeve #9: It only seems logical for a brand-spankin’ new paranormal group to blast off emails in order to point out how uniquely qualified they are to lend other groups their services. It is refreshing to know that a band of well-educated and deep-thinking newcomers will be able to shed some light on the unexplained! The ignorant masses of experienced researchers and investigators out there have probably just been sitting around pondering stupid things.
Para Geek Peeve #8: Psychics that think it will increase their following by showing more cleavage than an FHM model are probably right… but only if the goal is to get middle-aged, balding men to stalk them. Read my thoughts: The phrase: “less is more” works wonders for blogs and home decorating; not so well for interwebz psychics craving attention over credibility.
Para Geek Peeve #7: If you say: “That guy’s an idiot!” and take it upon yourself to argue with him, doesn’t that kind of make you a bigger idiot? The Certified vs. Anti-Certified debate has wasted precious seconds of what could have been better spent on something important. Like spreading Nutella on white bread or perfecting the art of lint rolling.
Para Geek Peeve #6: Why does trying to communicate with a ghost involve speaking in a voice like you were talking to a child and expecting them to do cheap parlor tricks? “Make the flashlight turn on, make these lights blink, can you give us a sign of your presence…”
Seriously, if you were a ghost and a bunch of weekend ghost hunters belittled you like this, wouldn’t you just want to kick them in the groin? I keep expecting investigators to ask a ghost if they made a poopee when they detect phantom smells.
Para Geek Peeve #5: Alien Hunters who spend all day scouring the internet for flying saucer evidence, but find it necessary to comment on how it was a waste of their time to watch an eight-second fake video. So you thought that something titled “REAL UFO! NOT FAKE!!!” with one million hits on Youtube was going to be the proof to convince the world of an alien invasion… Really?
Para Geek Peeve #4: I’ll never understand the morbid fascination with investigating cemeteries. Just because a tombstone is on the ground doesn’t mean spirits are haunting the place. Isn’t that what old creepy houses are for? I think investigating a cemetery must be a lot like walking into a bar 15 minutes before closing… Shame may be what you’ll feel in the morning, but you’ll tell yourself it’s worth it if you get lucky.
Para Geek Peeve #3: Paranormal Unity sounds nice, but I can never tell whose version of unity I am supposed to be united with. There should be a gathering like when the gangs all got together in that 1979 movie, The Warriors. I don’t want to be in the gang wearing vests, though.
Para Geek Peeve #2: The terms: client, evidence and debunk… for example: “We show clients our evidence we can’t debunk.”
These terms should be replaced with words from a thesaurus at random to sound more educated. For example: “We only show the proselyte our dictum we can’t animadvert.” It would probably impress fans of Scrabble, although clodpates may become a little discomposed.