So You Want To Be A Paranormal Investigator


There comes a time in every paranormal investigator’s illustrious career when they look back on the last six months and ponder their relevance; all the meetings about where they’d like to investigate between trespassing in graveyards, all the scouring of paranormal forums in order to exclaim how serious they are about the field (while simultaneously shunning all that give the field a bad name), getting the matching tee-shirts… these moments of clairvoyant speculation stem from the realization that all they have been doing is walking around in the dark and not really getting anywhere.  They question what they’ve added to the ‘research’ part of their namesake (you know, like “Blah-Blah Paranormal Research Society”) and realize that it doesn’t really amount to much.  What to do?

Well buck-up, little camper – The Para Geek is going to give all you folks spinning in this predicament the fast-track to success!  You want to get into really cool places?  You just need to stand out from the crowd.  The good news is that you don’t need to provide something that no other group can or pretend that you take the paranormal seriously or that the ultimate goal is proving anything.  All you need is a few imaginative gimmicks and some luck.  No really – that’s all you need.

First, forget doing research.  Research is boring.  B-O-R-I-N-G.  It involves reading, cross-referencing, contemplation and a whole lot of time trying to make some connection between claims and past events or people that might be the cause for them.  That’s too much work and that’s not for you  Spend no more than fifteen minutes searching Google, writing down every single thing that comes up about a place and rumors of it being haunted.  There – you’re done.

Second, get the most advanced technological gadgets on the market in order to hypnotize would-be suckers clients.  Nothing says awesome like a $12,000.00 FLIR and a DVR set up that would make small television stations envious.  Be sure to also check out whatever they’re using on the shows.  This is important because if they have it, you had better have it, too.  Now this is going to be expensive… take out a second mortgage and consider selling any children you have.  If you can get away with it, steal it.  If you’re as serious about paranormal things as you say, then you have no problem with this – just tell yourself it’s all for the advancement of the field.  You have a reputation to protect.  Plus, property owners aren’t just going to let a bunch of freaks into their cool old building simply because Blah-Blah Paranormal Research Society says they are paranormal researchers.  Just because a few eager beavers band together and chip in on some video cameras and audio recorders doesn’t really provide the property owner with anything mind blowing that it is going to persuade them.  In today’s high-stakes ballin’ game of paranormal investigating, you need badass tech.

Third, your group needs brand recognition!  You need something like a franchise (like having a bunch of groups that share the same name; make it sound like you’re more of a syndicate than a bunch of peeps sharing a common interest).  You need webisodes (since you won’t be getting a television show, you might as well put Youtube to good use).  And of course, you need merchandise (put your name on everything and sell it!  Because nothing says how serious you are about the paranormal like a coffee mug with BBPRS on it).  Make sure you’re on every single social network on the interwebs and assign one group member to spam all the sites that aren’t yours.  That way, all links eventually lead to the hippest paranormal group ever – yours!

One final thing that you’ll need… or rather won’t need: integrity.  Stay away from it by doing things like slamming and harassing anyone who doesn’t share your views.  Avoid integrity by spreading false rumors about people in other groups and posting their “evidence” on your chosen niche of paranormal forums (after all, those nutbags will help spread the hate and you haven’t been banned from their sites – yet).  Go so far as accusing groups in your local area of actually stealing your evidence!  With a bit of luck, you’ll drive them out of business (and it’ll mean less competition).  This may sound a little harsh, but remember: you aren’t in this field to make friends or add an ounce of credibility, you’re in it to win it.  If you want to get into dilapidated buildings and crumbling mansions (maybe even get on t.v.), you have to be completely hollow and shallow.

Okay, buckaroos – you have the knowledge.  You have the drive.  All that’s left to do is go put it to good use.

Take me seriously, dammit!


The most annoying paranormal talking point is that orbs might be ghosts.  Only slightly less annoying (yet far more prevalent – go figure) is the “we must do THIS in order to be taken seriously!” talking point.

Somebody is always standing up on a soap box to declare how nobody is taking them seriously, usually in the form of a dictated way people should be doing things (it’s always those damned start up groups, ruining the reputation of everybody!).  Until they start doing it the way we say – because our 24 whopping months of being in a paranormal group with matching shirts affords us the right to dictate – they shouldn’t be lumped into the same boat as us!

Yes, yes – I get it: there is a huge difference between the “thrill seekers” and the “researchers.”  Researchers want to be taken seriously because paranormal research is serious biz after all, and anyone who puts considerable effort into this time-consuming work deserves to be recognized.  Right…?  I mean, the importance of this research will have mind-numbing consequences once they or their peers – but preferably they – eventually make that stunning breakthrough that has been overlooked  since the Dawn of Man, to reveal that one bit of elusive evidence that ghosts really do exist.  Dude!  How awesome will that day be?  They’ll be able to scoff at the skeptics, the cynics and lab coat wearing goons and say: “see!?  I told you they were real!”  The skeptics will rue the day, my friend – rue the day…

…Just one question, though.  Why?

Why do they care if people don’t care?  Why is it so important for people to stop in their  tracks and pay homage to this enthusiasm?  And why is it that the ones always demanding to be taken seriously are usually the ones that apparently have the “right way” to go about achieving the enormous task of getting everyone else on board?  This is the part that I don’t get.  At all.

Instead of telling everyone else how they should be doing things in order to create this mystical utopia where paranormal researchers are esteemed and prevalent as – oh, I don’t know… actual scientists – wouldn’t it be a little easier to just let their own research do the talking?  Maybe then, others would review it and say: “Gee, I want to do that, too.”

I guess leading by example is a dying art form these days…

The real reason to investigate


Paranormal investigators are kind of… a weird bunch.  From the eclectic to the esoteric, from the outspoken to the ones who seem desperate to be as invisible as the ghosts they search for in the dark – there are all kinds of them.

I’ve secretly always imagined many of them to be the adults who were picked on and teased as a kid, those unpopular children that never really found their calling or reached their full potential.  So, locked away in their rooms in front of a computer screen or curled up under the covers reading about fictitious characters with more of a life than they had – they found a cozy little niche where being on the fringes of society, rather than being at the heart of it, is not only accepted – it is expected.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not picking on paranormal investigators.  I am pointing out my assumptions from what I have observed over the years.  Before you start assuming that I hold myself removed from this observation, I will be the first to admit that I consider myself to be an introverted person; I do not go out of my way to draw attention to myself – at least not publicly.

Now that I’ve covered my ass in that respect, let’s get back to the paranormal investigators.

You see, there’s always been something about the troops who march off into dark and damp basements, hang around tombstones by the light of the moon and pontificate about why ghosts hang around such cruddy locations that bothered me: they never seem to do any real scientific study.  Sure, they can spout off a dozen paranormal theories faster than you can spank a monkey and their resolve is like a steel plate when it comes to their convictions about said theories – but what do they actually do?

It is not scientific to sit around in a grave yard taking pictures of dust.  It is not adding any credibility to some Supreme Consciousness to post a 30 second video of something that, with all due respect, could be anything other than a ghost – and I do mean anything…

But you know what it is?  It’s fun.  Yes, I am letting the cat out of the bag – if you want to know why a large portion of people investigate the paranormal, it is because it brings a lot of happiness to them.  It isn’t about proving ghosts exist or that some place is haunted really – it is about the social aspect of getting together with a bunch of like-minded people and having fun.

Let me stop you right there before you start getting all huffy & puffy over not taking this seriously.  Stowe your fake consternation in your bag o’ snob for a second and hear me out…  I never said they didn’t take what they’re doing seriously.  I said they did it because it was fun.  Contrary to some stupid, made up rule that a lot of other paranormal investigators like to preach about, belonging to a group and scouting locations that are rumored to be haunted can be interesting, entertaining, and yes – enjoyable.  It can bring people together who don’t find bragging about their kid’s latest triumphs with the Jones’ a nice way to spend their time, or who otherwise find the bar scene to be nasty and more of a fraud than many of the 30 second videos their Youtube account is competing with.

The majority of paranormal investigators probably didn’t get past high school science class and now, what… they’re supposed to provide credible scientific evidence of the afterlife armed with a video camera and a 6mp Kodak?  I don’t think so.  Let’s be honest for once and just say it: we do this because it is fun and we continue to do this because we are having fun with other people who are having fun.  Mystery solved.

Sorry if this bursts any bubbles, but it’s true.  And for those of you sitting in front of your computer screens right now, ticked off that I am demeaning your chosen field, relax.  You can still act like you’re on a mission to bring the average Joe the truth.  It will eventually be earth-shattering for them, I’m sure.

But for those of you who are planning out your latest adventures to creepy, abandoned old mansions and forgotten sites with your group of paranormal homies, take heed, friends… you are not alone.  Happy Hunting.

An Open Letter


Being a paranormal investigator is often filled with long, boring nights sitting in the dark and trying to look like you know what you’re doing.  It also takes a lot of perseverance when it comes to trying to build up a name for yourself or your group – and a lot of that ends up being done on the internet.

But there is an evil dark side to building up a reputation and shooting to get “fans” like your paranormal group was just a cover to gain loyal cult followers.  There is a fine line between admiration and busting out the Dixie cups full of Grape Kool-Aid, and sometimes that line gets very, very fuzzy…

This letter comes from a source that I know.  I am on the fence if it is actually sarcasm or a perfect example of some sick & twisted individual.  We’ll just leave it at that and allow this Open Letter to speak for itself:

Dear Paranormal Investigator,

I appreciate your opinions on paranormal television shows.  You never pass up an opportunity to point out how the latest episode of Baldy and Stickman or Gel-hair Boy & Co. is totally faked and misrepresenting how proper investigating of the paranormal is really done.  I am impressed with your authority when it comes to pointing out their amateurish techniques.  They don’t even use the scientific method!

If it wasn’t for your expertise of the field, I wouldn’t have paid any attention to these charlatan’s attempts to bamboozle us regular folk.  Thankfully, there are people like you who have the foresight to point out their flaws!  People will hopefully wake the F up.

It is obvious how important you are by telling us how much these shows suck.  Some may call it ego, but I know it’s because you put your heart & soul into advancing the paranormal field.  It’s not like you say things about them because everybody else does or think you have to in order to be taken seriously.

Your blog that said cameras should always be pointing down dark hallways and empty rooms so that we, “the viewers,” could discern for ourselves when/if something paranormal happens was spot on.  These lame shows about “the investigators” focus on them 99.9% of the time which just proves how fake they are.  The camera never goes off of them to show us what is going on!  If they were really trying to help the field, they would say to hell with the ratings and let us stare at empty rooms like on webcam internet sites.  I know that in the last few minutes they always show their findings, but still – if they don’t let us see what is happening, how are we to believe them?

The good news is that your dedication is getting the attention of many newcomers to the field.  All of the forums I belong to have people register and denounce these shows too.  Sure, most probably became interested in the paranormal because of these shows like I did, but that was before realizing how big of a fraud these celebs are.  It is really hard not see it when everybody on a site is routinely talking about it.

The bottom line is that you are right: these shows give the paranormal community a bad name.  People can say it is drama or jumping to conclusions about scientific theories that are clearly videotaped & photographed on your website (not to mention those EVPs, which is obviously paranormal sounding), but that is THEIR OPINION and they are wrong!  These shows make people think that all they have to do is get a Kaytoo and a recorder and they’re paranormal investigators!  Goes to show what they know – you have to at least know you can’t use a Kaytoo around walkie-talkies and you can’t hold a recorder in your hand.  Idiots!

Oh and awesome Youtube video where you guys used a Kaytoo to ask that spirit questions.  It was clever to switch the tables on it when you said: “if you died here, give us a sign” and nothing happened… but when you said: “if you did NOT die here, give us a sign” and it lit up.  That was pretty smart and goes to show you how using scientific methods is proof positive of extraterrestrial life.

I am also amazed by the two psychics on your team, too – they are totally awesome!  I researched a place you have investigated and there’s no information on the facts that they tell me about, so it’s a good thing they are more in touch with a location than these stupid historical societies.  If it wasn’t for their insight, we’d be completely in the dark.  I thought I was psychic once, but all these people just told me I was letting my imagination run wild.  They are so close minded.

Your experience is way better than the people on these shows.  The 4 locations you’ve investigated were totally haunted like you proved (I’m not sure of the dates, but I know they included your house, your friend’s apartment, a barn and a local cemetery).  I hope you’ll be able to admonish that demonic entity.  I read burning sage will work.  Somebody probably used the Ouija Board and let it out.  I hope you have a proctologist in your group, because they are the only ones who should burn the sage.

By the way, I have seen your posts asking people to “Like” your group’s Facebook page and follow you guys on Twitter.  I have done both – I want to help you reach your goal of misinforming 1,000 followers because it is uber important that as many people as possible get precise and to-the-minute information about the paranormal stuff you guys research.  P.S. – I love all of the kitty pictures!

P.P.S. – I really like what you’ve done to your website!  I think that the dark background and red words really give a serious look to the site.  It hurts my eyes a little, but I’m dedicated to the paranormal too so I just work through it.  The skulls, ghosts and cobwebs really let people know how passionate you are about the paranormal.  Just a question though, is your group’s acronym F.O.B.S.P.R.S or F.B.O.P.R.S.?  I thought it was F.B.S.P.S. But that is another group…