Different and (not) proving it.

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One more article from a self-proclaimed “expert in the field” about how paranormal investigations are “not done the way they are portrayed on television” and I’ll be spewing Para Geek chunks!  About once a month, some much-ado internet blog seeps … Continue reading

So You Want To Be A Paranormal Investigator


There comes a time in every paranormal investigator’s illustrious career when they look back on the last six months and ponder their relevance; all the meetings about where they’d like to investigate between trespassing in graveyards, all the scouring of paranormal forums in order to exclaim how serious they are about the field (while simultaneously shunning all that give the field a bad name), getting the matching tee-shirts… these moments of clairvoyant speculation stem from the realization that all they have been doing is walking around in the dark and not really getting anywhere.  They question what they’ve added to the ‘research’ part of their namesake (you know, like “Blah-Blah Paranormal Research Society”) and realize that it doesn’t really amount to much.  What to do?

Well buck-up, little camper – The Para Geek is going to give all you folks spinning in this predicament the fast-track to success!  You want to get into really cool places?  You just need to stand out from the crowd.  The good news is that you don’t need to provide something that no other group can or pretend that you take the paranormal seriously or that the ultimate goal is proving anything.  All you need is a few imaginative gimmicks and some luck.  No really – that’s all you need.

First, forget doing research.  Research is boring.  B-O-R-I-N-G.  It involves reading, cross-referencing, contemplation and a whole lot of time trying to make some connection between claims and past events or people that might be the cause for them.  That’s too much work and that’s not for you  Spend no more than fifteen minutes searching Google, writing down every single thing that comes up about a place and rumors of it being haunted.  There – you’re done.

Second, get the most advanced technological gadgets on the market in order to hypnotize would-be suckers clients.  Nothing says awesome like a $12,000.00 FLIR and a DVR set up that would make small television stations envious.  Be sure to also check out whatever they’re using on the shows.  This is important because if they have it, you had better have it, too.  Now this is going to be expensive… take out a second mortgage and consider selling any children you have.  If you can get away with it, steal it.  If you’re as serious about paranormal things as you say, then you have no problem with this – just tell yourself it’s all for the advancement of the field.  You have a reputation to protect.  Plus, property owners aren’t just going to let a bunch of freaks into their cool old building simply because Blah-Blah Paranormal Research Society says they are paranormal researchers.  Just because a few eager beavers band together and chip in on some video cameras and audio recorders doesn’t really provide the property owner with anything mind blowing that it is going to persuade them.  In today’s high-stakes ballin’ game of paranormal investigating, you need badass tech.

Third, your group needs brand recognition!  You need something like a franchise (like having a bunch of groups that share the same name; make it sound like you’re more of a syndicate than a bunch of peeps sharing a common interest).  You need webisodes (since you won’t be getting a television show, you might as well put Youtube to good use).  And of course, you need merchandise (put your name on everything and sell it!  Because nothing says how serious you are about the paranormal like a coffee mug with BBPRS on it).  Make sure you’re on every single social network on the interwebs and assign one group member to spam all the sites that aren’t yours.  That way, all links eventually lead to the hippest paranormal group ever – yours!

One final thing that you’ll need… or rather won’t need: integrity.  Stay away from it by doing things like slamming and harassing anyone who doesn’t share your views.  Avoid integrity by spreading false rumors about people in other groups and posting their “evidence” on your chosen niche of paranormal forums (after all, those nutbags will help spread the hate and you haven’t been banned from their sites – yet).  Go so far as accusing groups in your local area of actually stealing your evidence!  With a bit of luck, you’ll drive them out of business (and it’ll mean less competition).  This may sound a little harsh, but remember: you aren’t in this field to make friends or add an ounce of credibility, you’re in it to win it.  If you want to get into dilapidated buildings and crumbling mansions (maybe even get on t.v.), you have to be completely hollow and shallow.

Okay, buckaroos – you have the knowledge.  You have the drive.  All that’s left to do is go put it to good use.

An Open Letter


Being a paranormal investigator is often filled with long, boring nights sitting in the dark and trying to look like you know what you’re doing.  It also takes a lot of perseverance when it comes to trying to build up a name for yourself or your group – and a lot of that ends up being done on the internet.

But there is an evil dark side to building up a reputation and shooting to get “fans” like your paranormal group was just a cover to gain loyal cult followers.  There is a fine line between admiration and busting out the Dixie cups full of Grape Kool-Aid, and sometimes that line gets very, very fuzzy…

This letter comes from a source that I know.  I am on the fence if it is actually sarcasm or a perfect example of some sick & twisted individual.  We’ll just leave it at that and allow this Open Letter to speak for itself:

Dear Paranormal Investigator,

I appreciate your opinions on paranormal television shows.  You never pass up an opportunity to point out how the latest episode of Baldy and Stickman or Gel-hair Boy & Co. is totally faked and misrepresenting how proper investigating of the paranormal is really done.  I am impressed with your authority when it comes to pointing out their amateurish techniques.  They don’t even use the scientific method!

If it wasn’t for your expertise of the field, I wouldn’t have paid any attention to these charlatan’s attempts to bamboozle us regular folk.  Thankfully, there are people like you who have the foresight to point out their flaws!  People will hopefully wake the F up.

It is obvious how important you are by telling us how much these shows suck.  Some may call it ego, but I know it’s because you put your heart & soul into advancing the paranormal field.  It’s not like you say things about them because everybody else does or think you have to in order to be taken seriously.

Your blog that said cameras should always be pointing down dark hallways and empty rooms so that we, “the viewers,” could discern for ourselves when/if something paranormal happens was spot on.  These lame shows about “the investigators” focus on them 99.9% of the time which just proves how fake they are.  The camera never goes off of them to show us what is going on!  If they were really trying to help the field, they would say to hell with the ratings and let us stare at empty rooms like on webcam internet sites.  I know that in the last few minutes they always show their findings, but still – if they don’t let us see what is happening, how are we to believe them?

The good news is that your dedication is getting the attention of many newcomers to the field.  All of the forums I belong to have people register and denounce these shows too.  Sure, most probably became interested in the paranormal because of these shows like I did, but that was before realizing how big of a fraud these celebs are.  It is really hard not see it when everybody on a site is routinely talking about it.

The bottom line is that you are right: these shows give the paranormal community a bad name.  People can say it is drama or jumping to conclusions about scientific theories that are clearly videotaped & photographed on your website (not to mention those EVPs, which is obviously paranormal sounding), but that is THEIR OPINION and they are wrong!  These shows make people think that all they have to do is get a Kaytoo and a recorder and they’re paranormal investigators!  Goes to show what they know – you have to at least know you can’t use a Kaytoo around walkie-talkies and you can’t hold a recorder in your hand.  Idiots!

Oh and awesome Youtube video where you guys used a Kaytoo to ask that spirit questions.  It was clever to switch the tables on it when you said: “if you died here, give us a sign” and nothing happened… but when you said: “if you did NOT die here, give us a sign” and it lit up.  That was pretty smart and goes to show you how using scientific methods is proof positive of extraterrestrial life.

I am also amazed by the two psychics on your team, too – they are totally awesome!  I researched a place you have investigated and there’s no information on the facts that they tell me about, so it’s a good thing they are more in touch with a location than these stupid historical societies.  If it wasn’t for their insight, we’d be completely in the dark.  I thought I was psychic once, but all these people just told me I was letting my imagination run wild.  They are so close minded.

Your experience is way better than the people on these shows.  The 4 locations you’ve investigated were totally haunted like you proved (I’m not sure of the dates, but I know they included your house, your friend’s apartment, a barn and a local cemetery).  I hope you’ll be able to admonish that demonic entity.  I read burning sage will work.  Somebody probably used the Ouija Board and let it out.  I hope you have a proctologist in your group, because they are the only ones who should burn the sage.

By the way, I have seen your posts asking people to “Like” your group’s Facebook page and follow you guys on Twitter.  I have done both – I want to help you reach your goal of misinforming 1,000 followers because it is uber important that as many people as possible get precise and to-the-minute information about the paranormal stuff you guys research.  P.S. – I love all of the kitty pictures!

P.P.S. – I really like what you’ve done to your website!  I think that the dark background and red words really give a serious look to the site.  It hurts my eyes a little, but I’m dedicated to the paranormal too so I just work through it.  The skulls, ghosts and cobwebs really let people know how passionate you are about the paranormal.  Just a question though, is your group’s acronym F.O.B.S.P.R.S or F.B.O.P.R.S.?  I thought it was F.B.S.P.S. But that is another group…